There more than likely is beer in hell...but its probably Zima.

Warning: Mature content. Not suitable for children and bubble-headed chicks who should no better. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVISED.

So a few weeks ago I was perusing the bargain table at Borders. I am an avid reader, but due to our current economic times, full price is reserved for those literary gems that deserve certain recognition (you know, like the latest Harry Potter novel).



As I gazed at the usual fair wondering if Tuesday's with Morrie will ever peek my fancy enough to pick it up (two years on and no go), I come across this....



I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell



Well, with a cover like that, who wouldn't pick it up. I turn it over to read the description and this is what I find....

"My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way: I share my adventures with the world."

Wow...just wow. Well, of course you know, I had to buy it.



Now anyone who had met or spoken to me knows I have what some polite people would call a quick wit.

My friends, however, would call me a smart ass.

This book was right up my alley.



"...In Hell" is a collection of short stories written by Tucker Max, a humorist and Internet personality who started a blog on a bet back in 2002 regaling tales of his many many bar conquests. It made the NY Times bestseller list in 2006, 2007, 2008...and 2009. Off to a good start so far.

So for the past week and a half I have been guffawing, gasping and damn right laughing out loud at this foolishness. I have already regaled some of my friends with some of the more salient points of the book...and gotten disgusted looks in return.

And I couldn't care less.

This is guy is the epitome of EVERYTHING your mother told you to look out for when dating...HE is the reason you're always supposed to carry a $20 in your purse for cab fare...HE is the reason you don't go out without a good girlfriend who has your back...I'd almost go as far to say HE is the reason for birth control.

Let me give you an example. This is an exert from one of the chapters appropriately (or inappropriately depending on your viewpoint) titled:

"Tucker F**ks a Fat Girl; Hilarity Ensues"
(FYI...all censorship is on my part. He has no qualms about language)

"We've all done it. We've all accidentally f**ked a fat girl. ....... Getting smashed and goin' hoggin' is almost a rite of passage for the American male." [p. 46]

He then proceeds to recount a tale in which he was so ashamed by a fat girl he picked up online, that he threw her clothes out the window after sex so that she would have to leave in a hurry and not meet his roommates who were in the living room.

This, sadly, is one of the tamer stories. This guy is horrible to the point of unbelievable at times. The things he's said and did make him one of the lowest forms of life, but why did I like the book you ask?

One: He is a good writer. Each story was engaging.

Each time I wondered, Could it get any worse?"

Would he be able to still get laid acting like such a jerk?

Yes...and, sadly yes.

Which brings me to my next point as to why I liked this book. It is a log of all the stupid vacuous bi**hes I can't stand. A testament to all the bimbos we think only exist in National Lampoon movies.

Let me ask the ladies out there a question...if a guy walked up to you and said, "My name is [insert name here] and I am going to law school at Duke so I can be really rich and buy shiny things for my wife. What's your name?" [p. 97] would you sneak off with him an hour later to some random RV to have sex on a stranger's bed?

If a guy you met in a bar in VEGAS told you he was in a Christian Rap band and said his name was "Big Baby Jesus" and his friends were "The Beat Boxin Prophet" and "DJ Orthodoxy". would you take him back to your friend's house and screw him on the couch in the basement? [p.84-88]

If the guy you took to a party started flirting with another girl and when you ask him, "Why do you keep talking to her instead of me?", he says, "I like her", would you then take him upstairs to give him fellatio to prove you're better than her? [p.89-91]

If you answered "no", you have sense. If you answered "yes" to any of the above...get the hell off my planet.

I hate to say that the majority of the girls in this book got exactly what was coming to them..but yeah, I'm gonna.

This man is an ass. He admits freely how horrible he is...he even named the book with the express realization he is going to hell. According to a few chapters he has gotten his comeuppance (the fake chlamydia scare is my personal favorite), but overall he's gotten away with alot.

He does douche things the first time he meets these girls and still gets laid.

Hell, some of the chapters even recount stories of women WHO MET HIM THROUGH HIS WEBSITE which recounts these horrible tales and still wanted to screw him.

So cheers to Tucker Max. He's an upfront jackass, but they are delusional sh**-for brains.

...and I'll take jerk over stupid any day....just not to my bed.

UPDATE: Apparently there is a movie based on the book slated to be released sometime this year. Guess whose going to be first in line?!

[Images courtesy of wikipedia.org]

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